Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
