you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
