You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
