Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I looked at my own cervix.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
