As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
