I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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