I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
