she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
