you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
