My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
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We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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