youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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