there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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