Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
