I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
