o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
