Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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