I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
