I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
