I haven't been this sober since birth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
