I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
