Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
