Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
