I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
