I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
