Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
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One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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