Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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