Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
