First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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