the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
