I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo