Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.