You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
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So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
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He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"