All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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