She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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