i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
