If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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