I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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