If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize