I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
