I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
