I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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