Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
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So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
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I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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