i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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