Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
