My boss' voice literally gives me gas
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
