i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
