Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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