i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
