Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
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I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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