Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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