i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
