I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
