i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
