So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
