1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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