Apparently you make a good broom.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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