But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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