Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I did not marry a roomba.
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