At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
